it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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