I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
