Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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