my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
