i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
