i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
