I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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