he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
