So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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