I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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