nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
