Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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