it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
