I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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