come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
