i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
