Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
