you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
