oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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