I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
