Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
