dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
