Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
