: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
