Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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