i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
