How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
