So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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