Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
