Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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