It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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