Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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