I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
