I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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