I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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