why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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