This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
