He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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