I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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