His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
