I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
