Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
