We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
