i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
