I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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