Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
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