i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
