Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
