I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
