im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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