The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
